The Top 10 Signs That Haman Is a Bad-Bad Man

 

10. Even Bad-bad Leroy Brown
unfriended him on Facebook

9. Haman remembers to attend all of Queen Esther's parties, but never remembers to put the down the toilet seat (female members complaint)

8. He knows full well it's a Shmitta year, yet still insists on planting a tree, 50 amot tall

7. Not saying his family dislikes him, but on Purim – all his kids -- way prefer to dress up as Mordechai

6. Whenever Haman arranges King Achashveirosh's Beauty Pageants, he asks Donald Trump for advice

5. Haman insists on calling one of his sons Parshandattah, when he knows full-well that his real name is Dave

4. He gets all in a huff when even just 1 person refuses to bow down to him, but at sporting events, will never get up to join in on the "Wave"

3. He launches a Facebook petition to nominate Vladimir Putin as the Time Magazine Man of the Year

2. He keeps insisting on inviting his new best friends, Ben and Jerry, over for dessert

And the number one sign that Haman is an evil man:

Even after a "Mishteh" of 180 days, he still ducks into the bathroom to avoid tipping the waiter

.

Top 10 Signs That
The Hamentaschen
You Baked Were Not
A Hit

 

10. Ace Hardware store sells them as doorstops

9. When entered in a baking contest, they win the category called: Most Likely to Choke a Horse

8. Environmentalists refuse to even use them as land-fill

7. Your kitchen smoke alarm goes off so often, the Fire Department moves in next door

6. Your kids/grandkids even trade them for hunks of tofu

5. When the Toronto Maple Leafs Hockey Team ran out of hockey pucks, they ordered some baked goods from you

4. They bounce even higher than a SuperBall

3. Your baking is so bad that the police cordon your kitchen off as a crime-scene

2. Ancient pieces were discovered constructed into the walls at Masada

And the number 1 sign That The Hamantaschen You Baked Were Not A Hit:

Haman himself, wants his name removed from the title

Top 10 New Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream Flavors

 

10. Sin of the Meraglim Cinn-amon Crunch

9. Raspberry & Disappoint-Mint

 

8. Shimon Peres Would-Be-Proud Praline and Pistachio

7. Have Got No-Clue Clementina Crunch

6. Truly Bananas and Mixed Nuts

5. Knucklehead Nachos and Cream

4. Bird-brained Brandy and Bratswurst

3. BDS Buffalo Turds

2. Missing a Marble - Swirl Cake

 

And the number 1 new Ben and Jerry Ice cream flavor is:

Dumb & Dumber Dulce de leche Deluxe

DVAR TORAH

Purim Tall Tales or Got a Light?

 

In the fifth chapter of Megillat Esther, we read about Haman deciding to hang Mordechai from a tree that was 50 amot  (75 feet) tall. The Yalkut Shimoni midrash notes that it wasn’t easy for Haman to find a piece of wood that was so tall, but luckily he discovered an old discarded plank of lumber from Noah’s Ark that measured 50 amot high. The Torah tells us that the dimensions of Noah’s ark were exactly 300 by 30 by 50 amot, and that was what he used to set up the gallows intended for Mordechai’s demise.

The Daat Mikrah (Esther 5:14) explains that the reason why Haman required it to be that tall was because from that height, everyone would be able to see it, even people from a great distance away.

However, this raises a difficulty: The very first mishna in Mesechet Sukkah states that one does not fulfill the mitzvah of living in a Sukkah if it’s height exceeds 20 amot. The gemara explains its reasoning by pointing out that the main component of the Sukkah is the sechach, and so, that needs to be visible to others. However, at a height above 20 amot – לא שלטא ביה עינא – meaning -- the eye doesn’t notice it, it’s simply too high, thus disqualifying the Sukkah from use and causing it to be invalid.

So, assuming that our Sages are correct, that something above 20 amot is not seen, then -- first of all -- how would Haman accomplish his goal of having everyone see Mordechai’s execution when his tree was well over 20 amot, and thus not visible due to its height; and secondly, how was Charbona, one of Achashvairosh's advisors who suggested to hang Haman on his very own tree (Esther 7:15), even able to see the tree at such an extreme height?

***

The answers are subtly hinted within the Shoshanat Yaakov song that we sing each year after the reading of the megillah. There it states: וגם חרבונא זכור לטוב.

Now, up to this point in the song, the phrase “baruch” (blessed) was mentioned to describe the heroes of our story, but suddenly when it comes to Charbona, the word “tov” is used? Why the change, what are Chazal hinting at?

 

It’s known that if one wants to understand the intended meaning of a certain Hebrew word, one should search for the very first time it is stated in the Torah and then comprehend it via its context.

Well, the first time the word “tov” is mentioned is in the fourth pasuk of the Torah in the description of Hashem creating light. After producing the “ohr,” it is written that Hashem saw that it was “tov" -- good. And so, we can establish the fact that the phrase “tov” is related to light.

And with that implication in mind, let us examine the tale of the birth of Moshe Rabbeinu. In Parshat Shmot 2:2, Rashi quotes the gemara in Mesechet Sota that surprisingly explains that upon birth, baby-Moshe caused his entire house to be lit up. Now, that tidbit is certainly not written in the Torah, so where did our Sages get that idea from?

The answer, fortunately, is found in the very pasuk itself which states:"ותראה כי טוב הוא". Moshe’s mother saw that he was “tov” – and as we established, that word refers to light, ergo, Moshe was an illuminating child and thus, emblazoned his house.

***

So now, we too can “see the light” (sorry) and answer the two questions we had posed above.

Our sages are telling us that Charbona should be remembered, not with a blessing, baruch, but with “tov,” meaning -- with light, similar to baby Moshe, where tov refers to light.

Therefore, what allowed Charbona to see the 50 amot tall tree, and for Haman to rightfully expect people from any distance to see the tree, was the fact that it was, as Charbona is remembered with -- “tov” – lit up and well-illuminated, and that's why the tree was visible to him and all others.

This revelation can also help explain a puzzling question raised by the story of Yosef and his brothers.

We all recall (Parshat Vayeshev 37:18-20) the tale of the brothers capturing Yosef, wanting to kill him and then the eldest brother, Reuven, advising the others NOT to kill Yosef, but rather to just toss him into a nearby pit, which they in fact, did.

The Torah makes a point in stating that “the pit was empty, it had no water” – meaning that there was no immediate danger to Yosef. Rashi, however, brings down the gemara in mesechet Shabbat that famously notes: “There was no water, but there were deadly snakes and scorpions.”

Now, isn’t that mystifying? If the intention of the brothers was not to harm Yosef, why in the world would they throw him into a pit filled with dangerously, deadly creatures?

However, based on our explanation above, the brother’s actions are not puzzling at all. Because one must reason that the brothers were not aware of the snakes and scorpions, not having seen them in a deep and dark pit. As we concluded above, the eye does not recognize things at such distances unless they are illuminated, which the pit certainly was not.

***

And as further proof (as if that’s even necessary) …

Each month, we stand outside and recite the blessing called Kiddush Levanah (The Santification of the Moon). We are required to look up and actually see it in order to say the bracha. Now, the moon is obviously well above the height of 20 amot, and according to Chazal one does not see objects above that height, so how can we ever make that bracha as we should not be able to see the distant moon?

However, the answer is obvious once we realize that the moon itself is illuminated, which would allow us to see it even at a great distance, just like the wicked Haman’s tree.

***

And so, once again we are witness to the awesome abilities of our Sages, who in their boundless insight and knowledge, have planted and seeded certain gems of wisdom throughout their scholarly writings and literature. And we are tasked with the very mission of searching, exploring, and digging deep down in order to discover them and reveal those sparkling jewels to a wanting world, thus helping  to transform it into a place of comprehension and understanding, better enabling people to live in peace, solidarity and harmony.

 

We end with a riddle:
What, reportedly, were Haman's last words?

"Woah, what a nice view – hey, not so tight!"

Who Sez?

Who made the following statements?

 

"He wants me to show up wearing what? When exactly does this MeToo Movement gonna start?"

Former Queen Vashti

"Ach, you worry too much, who can possibly overhear us?"

Bigtan and Teresh

 

"Where else but at Costco can I get this piece of wood that can actually comfortably hold 10?"

Haman

 

"Hello, Spices Are Us?, yeah, gimme 50 gallons of Hamor oil, 10 kilos each of spices and tamruki nashim"

Shasgaz, harem head-honcho

 

"I don't care if thousands of years from now, some people will make some noise -- just collect those darn taxes!"

King Achashveirosh

 

"Oooof, me again, why don’t they ever ask Dalfon to throw out the garbage?”

Haman's daughter

 

"Wow, never realized that the king's got such small fingers!"

Haman and Mordechai

 

“Every 6 months? Why, I change the oil of my car more often than that!"

Esther

"Sheesh, some job requirements – ability to fast for 3 whole days and nights!"

Esther's helpers

 

"I'm not gonna tell you my real name – but here's a hint – one day a Jerusalem hospital will be named after me"

Esther (whose real name was Hadasah)

 

“Offer just one piece of timely advice, and you get an annoying, repetitive song written all about you!"

Charbonah

 

“Wow, that Berlitz course in Tarsi, really paid off!”

Mordechai

I guess I'm gonna just have to go to Saks Fifth Avenue, and pick one up"

Mordechai

 

“3 entire days, and I didn’t manage to lose even one ounce!” "Me neither!"

Esther's girl-helpers

 

"Wow, what a view from way up here -- “hey, not so tight!”

Haman

 

Later in history:

"Wow, 180 consecutive days of just drinking and partying, I kinda like his leadership style!"

Donald T. Trump about King Achashveirosh

Purim SMS Questions & Answers

 

?   Rabbi, last Purim I felt just terrible.

!    What happened?

?   Well, it seems that I neglected to make the required noise during the

     megillah reading?

!    You mean upon hearing Haman’s name?

?   No, the word “mas”

!    Ah.

?   So, Rebbi, is there actually an obligation to make noise then?

!    This question is dealt with by The Gri”z – Reb Dov Be’ar, or as he’s lovingly known in the Torah world, The Grizly Dov-Bear, who is posek – that only people  who actually pay their correct amount in taxes, is required to make noise, therefore, nowadays, this mitzvah does not apply to any Jews at all.

 

 

?   Can one be yozeh the mitzvah of mishloach manot by sending tofu?

!    Of course not!

?   Why not?

!    Since the Megillah plainly states: “umishloach manot ish leraraihu” – “one is required to send to one’s friend” – and once he receives tofu, he ain’t never gonna be your friend no more.

 

 

?  Is one permitted to use a bell to make noise when hearing Haman’s name?

!    Davka yes, in fact it’s a hidur mitzvah.

?   Why is that?

!    Since the gemara tells us, that what caused the Jews to repent, was the handing over to Haman, of one of the Kings royal… “rings”

 

 

? Rabbi, I’m a bit concerned.

!  Yes?

? Well, it’s Erev Purim and my yingalah tzatzkelah, Herschel Velvel Myer, wants to dress up – of all things – as Queen Esther!

!  Hmmm, from where do you think he would have gotten such an idea into his head?

? Not a clue!

!  Well then, maybe your husband would know. Why not ask him?

? Oh, I can’t disturb him now, he’s extremely busy.

!  Really, doing what?

? Putting on his Vashti makeup.

!  Ah.