The Top 10 Signs that Pharaoh is an Evil Man
10. After having survived numerous poisoning attempts, Pharaoh appoints his mother-in-law to the post of Royal Food Tester.
9. Each morning before anyone is awake; he goes out to the Nile, relieves himself and thus dangerously raises Egypt's drinking water's ammonia and chloride levels.
8. He starts a crowd-sourcing to raise money to help OJ Simpson find the "real" killer.
7. After being forewarned by Moses of the coming of the plague of darkness, Pharaoh sells off all of his stock in the Cairo Electric Company.
6. Pharaoh’s personal Royal Chariot is known to intentionally flout all of the pollution emission laws.
5. Not only did he throw Jewish babies into the Nile, but made it mandatory that all school children learn how to diagram a sentence.
4. Claims that his only intention in throwing babies into the Nile was Advanced Toddler swimming lessons, something he read about in this month's Egyptian Reader's Digest.
3. During the plague of barad (hail), Pharaoh beheads the Royal band leader for happily playing "Hail To The Chief."
2. He is invited as a contestant to the original Egyptian game show, The $10,000 Pyramid, and accepts only on the condition that he's given all of the answers ahead of time.
And the number one sign that Pharaoh is an evil, evil man…:
He bans all forms of Torah learning… except for Mesechet Yevamot (Tractate Yevamot).
Top 10 Signs that
Your Passover "Seder"
is Toooo Long
For Outside of Israel:
You’re not actually sure when you first "Seder" ended, and the second one began.
10. It has been so long, that your "Seder" wine has aged to the point that it actually tastes acceptable.
9. You can swear that your 5 year-old son, who earlier, so cutely, asked "The 4 Questions," is starting to need to shave.
8. The non-Jew who bought the country’s chametz, has already sold it all back.
7. So long -- that Donald Trump is reelected as President of the United States.
6. Smoke from the neighbors Log B’Omer bonfires, wafts into your dining room.
5. Rabbi Akiva’s students come to remind YOU that it's morning, and time for reciting the morning prayers.
4. So long that your Zaide Hayim begins snoring to the tune of "Mah Nishtanah"
3. It has been so long, that the "chad gadya" (the single kid-goat) settles down, marries a lamb and has a little "chad gadya" of their own.
2. Your front porch is covered with so many spider webs, and Elijah the Prophet needs a machete to enter your house.
And the number 1 sign that your Pesach "Seder" has gone on for tooooo long…
For fear of drowning, it’s the third time that Uncle Myron’s snoring head has to be pulled up from his matza ball soup.
The kids will wonder why there's "bread" on the Seder Table, prompting many questions
Only $20 a set
2 sets for $18 each
Top 10 Signs that
Elijah the Prophet
Drank Too Much Wine
Before Coming to your Seder
10. Not only does the wine level of his cup descend, but also the level of every other cup at the table.
9. His invisible chariot comes with its own designated driver.
8. You open your front door, let him in, you hear wild footsteps, and suddenly -- your entire leichter (candelabra) topples over.
7. You discover that he's the one who actually bought up all of your chametz alcohol.
6. After he leaves, you hear a chariot pull away, speed down the street and crash into a ball of fire.
5. He promptly falls asleep and snores to the tune of "Mah Nishtanah"
4. As he leaves, you notice that on your pristine white tablecloth, the words, “E.H. was here,” are written out in drips of wine.
3. You don't see him, but you notice drinking straws being inserted into all of the wine bottles on the table.
2. Even Will Smith wouldn't be able to get him to sober up.
And the number 1 one sign, that Eliyahu Hanavi drank too much...
On his way out, instead of kissing the mezuza, he lays a smacker on poor, startled Aunt Gertie.
Who Said It?
Who made the following statements?
Based on the Chumash, Rashi and Midrashim
Answers appear at the end.
“What wimps, I didn’t bring my bathing suit either, but I’ll jump in first.”
“Joseph? – hmmm, never heard of him!”
"Whew, good thing we're able to order that tzur stone from room service!"
"Woah, I wonder if we're the only ones on our block with no chashmal (electricity)…"
"I know we were told to pack light, but I've got a funny feeling that we're gonna need some tambourines."
“Sorry, union rules, we don’t work on nothin' smaller than a grain of barley!”
“Chalav yisrael?, I know where to get some!”
“Man, for 40 years I haven’t had one stitch of work!”
"You hear that too? I could'a sworn I just heard my cake croak!"
"Hey, this here grass makes for a pretty good paint brush!"
"Look, they didn't even get wet, I'm sure it's safe."
“My, what very lovely pajamas, is that a monogram letter "P"?”
"A tzintzenet jar way out here? Sure could use a good 2 Shekel store."
"Think I better do a quick Google search on this here Egyptian's ancestors, before I do something rash."
“Wow, Yocheved, this could really reduce our electric bills!”
"Hey, where's Yankel, Schprintzeh, Mendel? – I can swear I only see about 1/5 of all of us!"
"So, let me get this right, Your middle name is Asher?"
“Hey, who used up all the toilet paper at this here river?”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah, just a minute, there are some more jewels over there!”
"Huh!, coulda swore I picked more mahn than that."
“Special combs, rosemary, eucalyptus oil – nothing seems to work!”
"Hmmm, what a curious incident of the dogs in the night."
“So, why not invite that nice strong, young man over for dinner?”
"Ah, so that's the shape of the moon, thanks!"
“Swell, first the lights go out, now I can’t even move!”
“Hey, why are you tying me to that bedpost?”
"OK, Yocheved, I still think it's risky…Miriam, could you pass that basket please."
"Pyramid Plumbing – ah-uh…, you sure it's not just a lot of rust --- woah, what's happening to my coffee?"
"Hey little follow, sorry, I didn't realize you were so thirsty!"
“Follow you where? Why can’t we just go to Florida like the other Jews?”
ANSWERS: 1. Nachshon at Yam Suf; 2.The "new" Pharaoh; 3. Zipora; 4. Egyptians during plague of darkness;
5. Jewish women; 6. The Egyptian Magic-makers; 7. Miriam, Moshe's sister to bat Pharaoh; 8. Jewish Tailors in desert; 9. Egyptians during plague of frogs; 10. Jewish nation; 11. Egyptians at Red Sea; 12. Moshe;
13. Moshe/Yehoshua; 14. Moshe before killing Egyptian; 15. Amron upon Moshe's birth; 16. Jewish nation;
17. Moshe to Hashem at sneh bush; 18. Pharaoh in the mornings; 19. Jewish nation at Yam Suf; 20. Jewish nation; 21. Egyptians during plague of lice; 22. Jewish nation leaving Egypt; 23. Yitro, Zipora's father; 24. Moshe to Hashem; 25. Egyptians during plague of darkness; 26. Moshe to Hashem at sneh; 27. Pascal lambs;
28. Amram, sending off baby Moshe; 29. Egyptians during plague of blood; 30. Moshe the shepherd; 31. Jewish people